The days of suffering.. they will come.

Seasons. They come and they go. No, I am not talking about the 'four seasons' most of the world experiences. I am talking about the deep seasons of life. The ones we look forward to when our lives at the moment seem so difficult. Some are longer than others. Some are so wonderful, we hope to stay in that season forever. Unfortunately, that is not life. That is not what we were created for. We have to face each season; good and bad, and learn to enjoy each moment in them.

I feel I am walking into a season of change, of course, that's what seasons are about.. change. This change is different than the others though. It is definitely good, much needed change. But, very difficult, heart yanking and molding change. It is the process of God stripping out the excess "junk" I have been rolling around in for so long. This "junk" has become not a small detail, but an aspect of my life I need and crave. Something that has in turn, pushed my heart away from God, away from joy, peace, love, and fulfillment. I have been left feeling empty, useless, hypocritical, unfulfilled, and saddened. I have grown to hate this "junk" but it has become so much a part of my daily life, I cant seem to escape it on my own. Sure, I try and brush it under the rug, put on a smile and pretend that I am doing well, I am walking along side of my Creator, and being this person everyone has seen me as for so long. Little do they know, underneath that unbearable outer exterior, I am not exemplifying the life I portray on the outside.

Humans are funny like that. For some reason, we think that if we act like we have it all together, and are doing "fine," that we magically one day will be "fine" or that no one will ever see past our outer lies. And most of the time we do get away with our lies..

one after the other.

Until finally, its so built up, we have nowhere to turn and let it all out. "I cannot let them see the real me, after all this time of lying and making them believe I am OK.. I cannot and WILL NOT do it." So we continue on and roll and roll in our "junk."

This is where I am. I am coming out of that season of hiding and stepping into this new season of freedom. I want to experience joy, and not the fake joy I felt all those times before. The joy Jesus brings me. The joy I find in out speaking my struggles to others. The joy in accountability with the people close to me, as I walk through this.

I am just beginning this season, this change. But I am ready and willing and have nothing to offer except me. I think that's what God wants all along. Just us. No excess. Just us and our willing hearts ready for molding. I know each day is going to be work, this will all be a process. Some days will bring suffering, but I must work through the suffering. I cant keep pushing it under a rug.

So here I am God.. lets go.